Strictly was all high drama this week, with men blubbing, struggling to steady their trembling bottom lips and generally behaving as though they had just donated their corneas to one another. Only viewers with strong stomachs were able to stay the course.
No tears from Scott Mills however, as he did little except tread on his partner’s feet on his way through to the next round. Even Judy, a woman with so little dancing ability she could be a broom, or a television aerial, went through. It helps that Judy seems to be a very nice woman. It’s also amusing to watch her giggle coyly and play with her hair whenever Anton, a human Woody from Toy Story, looks at her. A Strictly romance may be brewing.
Meanwhile, the usual stage school poppets slid past the judges with varying degrees of steely-eyed competency, including Caroline Flack who had clearly pissed off the wardrobe department as she and Pasha were dressed in hideous blue and yellow numbers. Their paso doble began with a demonstration of how to change a duvet cover.
The middle-of-the-road crowd, all on a “journey”, either impressed or depressed the judges. Her off Casualty was dressed as a bourbon biscuit. Jake performed a quickstep so fast Craig’s botox was blown sideways in the slipstream. Nice guy Steve did a serviceable waltz.
The big deal however was when it came to the voting. Mark Wright stood waiting for the verdict as to whether or not he would be on television for a bit longer with the fearful air a man who would shortly find out if his scrotum was to be sliced in half and pulled over his head.
After a dance-off between Simon Webbe, who has shaved off his ventouse cap of doom, and Thom Evans, a Ken doll of astounding blandness, Thom went out. He gave a speech akin to a man about vacate the trenches and go over the top, as he paid tribute to his new friend Simon. “Simon, I think you’re amazing mate. Whatever happens tonight, I’ve made a true friend.” Simon looked suitably underwhelmed. Thom’s partner Iveta made a speech that was almost certainly a practice run for her wedding vows. “Eet vozza joys do vatch ze change inzoo.”
Next week, Halloween. Judy’s off to a flying start if she’s dressed as a re-animated corpse.