The Apprentice, Episode Four


Any Game of Thrones fans will recall the horror of the Red Wedding.  This week’s Apprentice episode was worse. Much worse.

Tasked with making a video for YouTube, the candidates huddled together in the glorious Wilton’s Music Hall.  Teeny Siralanlordsugar appeared on stage, like a genie who really could fit inside a lamp.  He delivered a speech without even bothering to pretend he knew what he was talking about. “Online…. unique users…. market…. hits.”  The candidates, determined to look like they knew all about this mysterious task, nodded furiously throughout, like 16 Churchill dogs on the dashboard of a Reliant Robin going over a set of speed bumps.

Told to set up their own YouTube channel and then make and upload a video to it, it was immediately apparent that this would be one of The Apprentice’s truly oustanding episodes. Team Tenacity was headed up by the ghastly Ella Jade (the kind of name a six year old girl gives her hamster) who apparently was something to do with television, and corralled her unenthusiastic troops by saying “yah” a lot and telling Sarah she could be time-keeper.  Sarah looked less than thrilled at landing such a low level role, but busied herself with checking her watch and gesturing at it vaguely.

They chose to make a video about fitness, featuring a character who would be known as “Fat Daddy”.  Felipe badly wanted to be Fat Daddy; is this his name on Tinder? Let’s not think about that.  This comprised making fun of him and calling him fat at every opportunity.  It was dreadful.  One lone voice, immediately shouted down, suggested it was offensive.

Summit, meanwhile, made a video about cooking entitled “Dare To Dine”.  There was zero concept, no strategy, no ideas and no plan. “It’ll be really funny” said Solly.  It was about as funny as a boil bursting in your left nostril, but they all found it hilarious and apparently that was the most important thing.

And so both teams went to pitch to Buzzfeed, or as his Twitter followers know him, @flashboy. They were kind to Dare To Dine, saying only that is wasn’t up their street, but that 10 year olds would probably love it. This kindness was undermined by one of the Buzzfeeders writing “Kill James” on his notepad.  Best not to spend any time recalling the Fat Daddy pitch. Nobody liked it, everybody thought it uncomfortable at best, and cruel bullying at worst. Daniel reassured everyone that “they liked it all apart from the offensive part.”  Ella Jade, finally waking up to the doom-laden atmosphere, started rehearsing her speech for the boardroom and planning who she would drag in with her.

In the car Steven, who has almost certainly watched Mean Girls  8,457 times, treated his fellow passengers to what he was convinced was a totally fetch pitch.  They all stared out of the windows and tried not to be sick in their mouths.

Unsurprisingly, Fat Daddy was rubbish and Dare to Dine was slightly less rubbish.  Sugarsirlordalan had obviously been reading this blog and so delivered a proper treat this week – a trip to Iceland (not the Kerry Katona sort).   Ella “Yah” Jade brought back Steven and Sarah into the boardroom. Steven declared he had given “100%”. Sarah protested she had looked at her watch a lot because she had been given nothing else to do.  Ella, accused by Sugarlordalansir of never doing a day’s work in her life, said she worked for her dad one summer and had been president of something or other at university. All three were fired.  Ella refused to leave, repeatedly begging “Please Lord Sugar” right up until the moment when she was fitted with a straight-jacket, strapped to a gurney and wheeled out of the boardroom and into the (crowded) taxi of doom.

(I’m pleased Solly won. I’ve got him in the office sweepstake.)




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