The Apprentice – Week 6




This is the tenth series of The Apprentice. 10 years of listening to people say “myself” when they mean “me”.  10 years of being “passionate about the process” in the boardroom whilst squawking” will you let me SPEAK!” 10 years of Lordsiralansugar spluttering “What a bladdy shambles.”

This week the candidates had to design and sell a board game. The day began with a 6am phone call and a summons to HMS Belfast.  James looked bewildered. There was a pause as we all watched the cogs turning. Everything having clicked into place, he then declared brightly: “Fatz de army, innit?” This irrefutable fact established, he trotted upstairs to blow-dry his armpits.

There was a lot of chat about the whole family sitting down together to play a board game, as though it was 1956 and mother had just been given a new mangle.  There’s not a teenager on the planet who would choose playing a board game with their parents when they can sit in their room sulkily snap-chatting their pimples, but everyone pretended otherwise.  Pamela showed she had just what it takes to be a project manager:  “I really think we will go with the relationship in some shape or…er…form. I’m making an executive decision.”

They conducted some market research with die-hard board game geeks. They all said the relationship idea sounded sleazy, and Pamela took the executive decision to completely ignore this. Daniel devised questions of such sexist vacuity it made me wonder if he was best mates with Dapper Laughs, a man who makes me despair for the future of mankind.  Mark however defended the game’s simplicity, saying that a lot of board games require the player to be “a rocket surgeon”.

James’ team went with a game based on knowledge of geography, the details of which are too boring for me to recall.  His team won. Their prize was a kick-about with an ancient goal keeper.  Whoopee.

Pamela brought Daniel and Lauren (who?) back into the boardroom with her. All three of them looked more terrified than the dudes in the Blair Witch Project, with the girls holding back tears and Daniel visibly praying.  Pamela found herself on the end of Lordsugaralansir’s moving finger.

Back at the house, Mark gave a speech the gist of which was that Daniel was an idiot and how he couldn’t possibly work with him again. Daniel walked into the room. Mark looked like the pig who’d just been given the bad news about the deliciousness of bacon sandwiches.

Next week, the candidates are let loose in New York. Prepare yourself for endless mentions of the Big Apple, a lot of getting in and out of yellow taxis, and somebody pleading “But I’m your ideal business partner Lord Sugar. I ran a lemonade stall in primary school. The numbers speak for themselves.”



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