It began as one might have suspected it would, with Gemma Collins being shoehorned into a helicopter then wailing like a banshee, her mascara running down her face as though in homage to Alice Cooper. “Git me outta fiz fing, arm avin a pannick!” she sobbed. The other slebs tried not to giggle. Gemma will be voted to do all the trials. FACT.
Michael Buerk was introduced to the diminutive Tinchy Stryder. “Titchy?” “No, Tinchy.” Michael looked unconvinced. Vicki Michelle declared: “You might know me best from ‘Allo ‘Allo.” Best? The only people who know her these days are her family. The losing team’s first night in the Celebrity Slammer was a sleepless one, due to Gemma, who snored like a sick horse. It was all the eager viewer could have hoped for.
The other slebs had to sky dive their way into the jungle. Kendra, a woman whose claim to fame is that she used to be Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend (a crowded category), wept as she admitted her ultimate fear was of heights. I’d have thought sleeping with Hef was a far scarier prospect, but whatever peels your banana.
Titchy jumped, and was met on the beach by Michael. They attempted an awkward handshake. Melanie Sykes wasn’t fazed by anything, including Jimmy Bullard hugging her at every opportunity, and may be the hit of the show. Meanwhile Gemma required help taking a shower. Some Irish girl, who I think once dated a golfer (I genuinely have no idea) was forced to act as her carer. Gemma was unhappy with the coldness of the water, and looked around as if hoping to find a thermostat embedded in a nearby rock. Start practising your Gillian McKeith faints now, Gem. Nothing else will save you.
Foggy, who is a huge star in the motorbike-racing world but looks like a roadie for Black Sabbath with a fondness for crystal meth, did the first trial. Foggy is a stoic character, as many people who do frightening things for a living often are. Being placed in a drain with a load of snakes crawling up his shorts didn’t bother HIM. “How d’ya feel, Foggy?” “Quite calm.” Having successfully completed the trial, Foggy was told he could feed only one camp. He chose the camp where he would be staying. Foggy is no fool. Back in the Celebrity Slammer, Gemma did not take this news well. “Iv fey don gimme a treat inna coupla daze, arm gonna kill maselve.” None of her camp mates tried to talk her out of this. “Arm gonna die,” she tried. No dice.
Ant and Dec revealed that the next trial would be completed by Jimmy. He’ll do alright. Just be thankful it won’t be Gemma.