The Apprentice – Episode Seven


This week’s episode will be remembered for Mark’s statement: “I’d like to plant a firm pole in the ground on this one.”  Mark wanted to be project manager on the “create an ad for a soft drink” task because, he said, he works in the media. Nick then explained that Mark in no way worked in the media. Mark is a bit of a twat. I’d like to plant a firm pole in that statement.

Half the posse got to go to New York, the other half had to stay in London.  Lauren told everyone she should go because she had “knowledge” of New York. Those viewers who thought this meant Lauren used to drive a big yellow taxi were swiftly disabused of this notion, as it  transpired that she all she’d done was visit the city as a tourist.

There was some boring footage of the poor sods left back in Blighty sourly testing soft drinks flavours. The results  – Big Dawg (passion fruit punch) and Aqua Fusion (not sure) – required a commercial, to be filmed in New York. Felipe (“Felipe will direct”) directed the commercial for Aqua Fusion. Felipe made with the rectangle film screen fingers and squinted expertly through them.  One imagines Spielberg does the same thing. Or not.  James worried that his team’s ad wasn’t sufficiently “iconic”. You think?

Lauren pitched Aqua Fusion to a panel of “industry experts” by explaining what the word fusion meant. Bianca pitched Big Dawg to the same panel by explaining what a metaphor is. Siralanlordsugar is lucky to have such intellectual giants at his disposal.  One of the experts reported back to Sugarsiralanlord that Big Dawg’s ad was “borderline tragic”.  She was being kind.

Back in the boardroom, Bianca painstakingly explained the thinking behind her creative impulse. Everyone sniggered. “People were nodding,” she protested. Like nodding dogs, maybe? Geddit?! Oh please yourselves.

Mark’s team (Tenacity, although nobody is bothering much about team names anymore) lost. Bianca’s team (Summit, ditto) won  lunch at a restaurant. How miniscule is the prizes budget this year? In the Cafe of Doom, Daniel confided that he was a sitting duck for a scapegoat. That’s whats known as a mixed metaphor, Bianca.

Mark explained to Alansugarlordsir that he had been utterly brilliant and everybody on his team was hopeless. This viewer found herself distracted by his Marks strangely cartoon hair, which resembles nothing so much as Gnasher’s minge perched atop his skull. Perhaps he’d borrowed it from Simon Cowell.

Mark offered up Daniel and Lauren for firing. He referred to Daniel as a turkey. A turkey, a scapegoat and a duck! Is Daniel running a small holding? Lauren declared herself outraged. It did her no good. She was fired. She didn’t bother with the usual “Thank you for the opportunity, Lord Sugar” for which I rather admire her.

Solly remains in contention. The £19 office sweepstake could yet be mine.










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