If The Apprentice proves anything, it’s that sexists are alive, well, and dying to go into business with Lordsirsugaralan. Told the task would based around organisation and selling, Katie put forward a clear, logical and convincing argument why she should be Project Manager. Mark and Daniel ignored her and appointed Felipe PM for no reason whatsoever. “Well done,” said Daniel gruffly, patting Felipe on his manly shoulder. The message was that only men should be leaders.
The other team lined up obediently behind James, who once again was “putting his balls on the line”. James is always putting his balls on the line. “I always put my balls on the line,” he confirmed. There are no lines left in Britain on which James’ balls do not rest. If there was a job going as Chief Balls On Line Putter, James would be the man to beat.
The challenge was to go to Somerset, to the Royal Bath and West Show, and sell one item already on sale at the show and two debut products. The options included a “gutter-cleaning robot”, a chair suspended in a large wooden pyramid (a snip at £500), a pair of “foldable wellies” (WHY?), a pet-tracking device; a “vintage tweed flat cap handbag” (comprising two hats sewn together) a self-flushing cat box (I’d buy that, anything to duck out of cleaning out our cats’ litterbox, but these idiots walked straight past it) and a bicycle trailer for children.
Balls then ballsed up getting the chance to sell hot tubs because he kept calling the salesman Derek when his name was Anthony. He put his balls on lawn mowers instead.
On we went to the show proper (wellies/sheep/bad hair) where Felipe and Daniel bickered and nipped at each other like two ferrets trapped on a washing machine spin cycle and Balls looked around for lines on which to place his knackers.
In the boardroom, there was the usual pointless blather about being “passionate for the process”. Felipe’s team won, no thanks to him, and the prize was a visit to a boxing gym. As prizes go, it sucked. Balls lost. His gonads really were on the line this time.
Balls brought back Roisin, because he’s a small-minded twerp, and Sanjay, because Nick Hewer gave poor Sanjay the full cat’s bum mouth and Balls thought he might take the fall for him. Balls then went all Oliver Twist pleading that “I ain’t had no education” and that he was “just like you, Lord Sugar”. It did him no good. He was fired. At least one viewer hoped that when the finger pointed at him he would say “thanks for the opportunity, Derek” but alas it was not to be.
Next week it’s the task where they are given a list of products to find and have never heard of at least three of them. Meanwhile Solly is still in the game. That £19 office sweepstake could yet be mine.