It was Around The World week on Strictly. “Now, it usually takes 80 days to get around the world, but tonight these dancers are going to do it in less than 80 minutes!” yelped Tess excitedly, who instead of delivering a line of such arrant imbecility should have sought out its writer and beat him to death with his laptop.
Pixie and Trent opened proceedings with a Viennese waltz to “Tulips From Amsterdam”, despite there being over 1000km between the two cities. A windmill in the background didn’t detract from the fact that both dancers were dressed as Germans. Mark Wright performed a rather meh salsa not to any kind of Cuban music, but to “Viva Las Vegas”. Hey, it’s not Around The World week, it’s Song With A Place Name In The Title week! To the Strictly bods, the world is an amorphous mass.
Caroline Flack danced a Charleston that was set in Turkey – of course – and being an excellent dancer performed it beautifully. It was spoiled rather by some backing dancers who just bobbled around getting in the way, but her footwork was faultless. Craig described her as “exploding like a Pot Noodle”. Craig darling, whatever drugs you’re on, reduce the dosage.
Simon performed a truly lovely waltz to “Edelweiss”. Not a Viennese waltz though, because that would have made sense. Jake performed an Argentine Tango set in Greece. The whole thing was a mess, like serving up bangers and mash garnished with a slice of lime and calling it “Anglo-Thai fusion”.
The results show featured the cast of Riverdance (Around the World, geddit?) and speaking as someone who learned Irish Dancing when at school, I can tell you it is a lot harder than it looks, and I will brook no criticism of it. The fact that I would never dream of paying to see it is neither here nor there. It reminds me too much of our headmistress, Sister Benedict, a sadist in a wimple.
This was followed by a violin-playing mullet, going by the name of Andre Rieu, who was surrounded by a bevy of violin-playing toilet roll cover dollies. I nearly rang NHS Direct to check that instead of knocking back the Picpoul I’d I’d accidentally imbibed a dose of lysergic acid diethylamide.
Sunetra and Mark were in the dance off. Both were so certain they were out of the competition they gave valedictory speeches before they’d even taken a step. Sunetra went out. She was supremely unbothered, said lots of lovely things about the other contestants and didn’t blub. Props, Sunetra.