Mel was determined to do a trial. Moreover, she was determined to do it with Kendra. Kendra wasn’t bothered but equally didn’t want to be left out, so agreed “yeah, I’m up for it,” and schlumped after Mel with a face that plainly said “whevs mate. I really, really don’t care.”
Critter Conveyor. It involved a conveyor belt. And critters. Essentially it was a kind of Generation Game er, game, but without Bruce Forsyth, which is no bad thing in anyone’s book. Kendra, in an effort to stop various crawly things penetrating her ears, tied her bandana like a headscarf, and instantly bore an uncanny resemblance to the Queen Mother pottering around the gardens at Windsor Castle. Meanwhile, during the break, Iceland Foods advertised its Prawn Twisters, which looked exactly the same as the meal worms raining down on Kendra’s resentful head. Mel sat in a perspex tank full of snakes. She ignored them and both girls won all the stars. Go, girls.
The Dingo Dollar Challenge was conducted by Eds and Jake. The instructions were pinned to a tree. “Do you want me to read it?” enquired Jake. “You haven’t brought your glasses.” Any vestigial trace of Edwina’s sexual attraction vanished into the ether. They won the challenge, dressed as a spider and a Venus Fly Trap, but their camp mates guessed wrongly when asked: “What percentage of Brits believe it is possible to maintain happy marriage without sex?” The camp went for 36 per cent. The correct answer was 61 per cent. In other words, Britain isn’t getting any, and is quite happy about it, thank you.
They got the chance to play a game. Mel was unimpressed. “It’ll be another damp squid.” FOR GOD’S SAKE IT’S SQUIB. WHY DO PEOPLE NOT KNOW THIS? I like Mel, but if she keeps this up she’ll be on my List, the one that itemises people who say “pacifically” when they mean specifically, “supposebly” when they mean supposedly, horrors such as “Chrimbo”, “Londinium” and”hollibobs” and anyone who has added the word “methinks” to their Facebook status update. You have been warned.
There were phone calls home. Tinchy got to speak to his girlfriend. He was as moved, warm and emotional as a man ordering a pizza from Dominos. Kendra’s husband was unfamiliar with adverbs. “You’ve done amazing.” Mel spoke to her Mum. Mel cried and rather surprisingly asked for validation. “Are you proud of me?” It was touching to see that underneath the Amazonian exterior is a woman just wanting her family to be proud of her. Jake sprinted from one end of the camp to another so he could speak with his mother, with somewhat disappointing results. “How are you?” “I’m fine. How are you?” As dialogues go, it lacked a certain something. In fairness, he told his mother he loved her, which is all a mother wants to hear. Well that and “Yes, I HAVE tidied my room”.
They played a game of truth and lies. Kendra revealed she’d had her tits done. Edwina confessed she’d worked for an accountancy firm. Jake once slipped on a banana skin. For crying out loud people, we’re paying for this. Has nobody in there done anything even remotely outré? Throw us a bone for God’s sake.
Tinchy and Kendra were voted out. Tinchy, big wow. Boring as f*ck. Kendra, I’m sad to see go. She made good telly. Mel, Fogs, Jake and Eds are the final four. Who will win?