And then there were four. Foggy (bikes, stoicism), Edwina (brillo pad hair, eggs), Mel (cheekbones, snippy about cooking) and Jake (sweet, retired sex pest); any one of them could win I’m A Celebrity. I say that because I’m crap at predictions. Otherwise I’d say Jake. But I’m not. So there.
It was the trial that everyone loves – the water slide/foam/stars/costumes thing. You know the one I mean. Celebrity Cyclone. The excitement in camp was palpable, but it took Jake’s particular brand of eloquence to explain exactly how they all felt. “I’m buzzing me tits off.”
It looked enormous fun. Giant balls bounced off Mel’s head. Jake slid half-way up the, er, slide through sheer force of will. Edwina landed solidly on her star and didn’t budge, lying motionless like flattened lycra-clad road kill. The water teamed down. The foursome were incredibly fast (fastest ever, according to Ant) and if I ever win Euromillions I’m building one of those things in the grounds of my mansion.
We were then treated to a summary of each of the remaining contestants’ “journey” in the jungle. Eds admitted how much she’d enjoyed leering at Jake. Mel confessed she struggled with the lack of food and people not cooking to her instructions. Jake said he’d loved flirting. Fogs mourned the loss of the ghastly Jimmy “Bantz” Bullard, but said that he’d made nine new friends. “When I came in here, I thought you’d all be a bunch of arseholes.” One of them still is, Fogs. I’m looking at you, Jimmy.
In the 2014 Jungle Awards, Michael won Hardest Working Campmate. Mel was unimpressed “I did logs and water every day!” she protested. Jake conquered the Most Vain Campmate category, and disagreed vociferously. Mel won Best Chef, probably because nobody dared argue with her. Jimmy and Edwina won Most Annoying Campmate, which came as a surprise to nobody, least of all Edwina.
Edwina was voted out, and pretended she was pleased. Carl started hyperventilating at the thrill of being one of the final three. Jake looked thunderstruck. HE MIGHT WIN IT, PEOPLE. Don’t quote me.