For a variety of reasons, including going to Ireland to spend time with my lovely family, I missed the first week of I’m a Celeb. Apparently Spencer Matthews was on it, then off it, Lady Colin “I have five tiaras” Campbell is playing a blinder as the Dowager Countess of Green Ants, and there’s every possibility Duncan Bannatyne will be fatally bitten by an Eastern Brown Snake (venom ranked as the second most toxic of any land snake in the world, according to Wikipedia). Man, it’s good to be back.
So, Lady C was in the firing line for the latest Bushtucker Trial, entitled Helmets of Hell. Required to stick her head in a Perspex box, she was joined by various bucket-loads of jungle critters. Angry green ants explored the inside of her nostrils. Scorpions and spiders attempted to break into her tightly pursed mouth. Lady C remained unmoved. The woman is 66 years old, for crying out loud. Is she Supergirl’s grandmother?
Next up, a box of pythons. “I was brought up to avoid pythons,” she said, peering at the writhing inhabitants. “Oh well. Let’s give it a go.” Meanwhile, on Twitter #LadyC was trending, as indeed it should. Ant and Dec expressed awe at her zen-like countenance. “I’ve faced many challenges in my life,” she informed Ant and Dec, imperiously. “THIS,” she gestured dismissively at the jungle, “is not a challenge.” Lady C for Prime Minister, people.
Triumphant, she trotted back into camp, pausing only acknowledge her fellow celebs by waving delicately in the manner of the late Queen Mother when sat in a chauffeur-driven Bentley. After taking what only seemed like 15 years to recount her ordeal (obviously nobody dare interrupt her) they learned she had won nine stars.
The camp then had to divide into four groups of three people, and then compete in a challenge to win various prizes, the top prize being a stay at the “jungle hotel” (beds, wine, etc.)
Looking like an ancient tortoise accidently left on a dining room chair, Duncan Bannatyne presided over the picking of teams. Brian (failed X Factor judge) teamed up with a girl called Jorgie (no idea) and some child called George (ditto). Tony (Spandau) Suzannah (no Trinny) teamed up with Yvette (no ghosts) Lady C declared she had no interest in the competition whatsoever and would like to team up with two others who felt the same and just wanted a nice rest. I forget the other teams. First up was the Tortoise and two girls, Ferne (no idea) Vicky (Geordie Shore, apparently) and managed to grope both of them at least twice during proceedings. Vicky called him “a bit of a sort” which is a Tyneside-speak for “lecherous old goat.”
Coincidentally, it was goat for dinner and Lady C and Brian clashed over how to cook it. Words were exchanged. Lady C stalked off. “I’m far too old to be bothered with the stupid, pointless, ego-grabbing games of these puerile people,” she announced, giving voice to the exact thoughts of the majority of viewers.
Next trial is to be “Floods of Fear” and Ferne was chosen to take it on. “It’ll involve water,” declared Susannah, wisely. “Possibly swimming.” You really can’t make this stuff up, can you?