The quarter finals, and the theme was “Musicals”. Only six couples left, thankfully not including Peter Andre telling us how much he loves his kids/wife/breathing. Proceedings began with a doomy VT, as the slebs revealed how tense they were and how frightening it all was, as though they were about to defuse a bomb, rather than shuffle around a dance floor.
Claudia was dressed in a black towel and matching Cleopatra eyeliner, Tess had chosen a sequinned bin liner. First up was Georgia and her sweating Sicilian dancing a foxtrot to Beauty and the Beast which is NOT a musical but a Disney film (albeit now adapted for the stage). They danced beautifully. “It woz a fairytale and it wozznut grim,” yelped Len, thrilled with his own brilliance. There are rumours that Len is to leave Strictly. Let’s hope they’re true. Claudia interviewed Georgia, and then Jodi Prenger was wheeled on to sing the voting phone line terms and conditions in a terrible American accent. Yep, I watch this shit so you don’t have to, people.
Anita & Gleb danced the Argentine Tango to ‘Cell Block Tango’ from Chicago, an iconic song from one of my favourite musicals and I don’t like musicals. Gleb was dressed as a cop who has fallen on hard times and so had to do a bit of stripping for extra money. He carried an enormous truncheon. I don’t make this up, I merely report the facts. Anita made a lot of mistakes; perhaps the truncheon distracted her.
Kellie and Kevin danced the Viennese Waltz to ‘Oom Pah Pah’ from Oliver, the most un-Viennese Waltz song ever. An elegant, ethereal dance, they chose to interpret it as chucking out time at Wetherspoons. Weirdly, it was rather engaging. “Arm reviewing feh sitchewaysun!” screeched Len, delighted with his imitation of Ron Moody playing Fagin. Bruno started singing “Consider Yourself.” I considered killing myself.
Oooh, Jay and Aliona dancing the Rumba to “Falling Slowly” from Once. Generally on Strictly, when it comes to the Rumba celebrities win points for clutching their partners in the manner of a weasel chewing a hamster, and are awarded 10 points if they can assume the facial expression of a man who has jammed his thumb in the wardrobe door. Not Jay. Dressed as a lumberjack in skinny jeans, he was sensual, romantic and passionate and his dance was a thing of real beauty. “It woz a musical called Once but you won’t be dancing twice!” shrieked Len, ruining the moment. Seriously, does he pay people for to write these lines?
Katie & Anton danced the Foxtrot to ‘Maybe This Time’ from the musical Cabaret, a song that is a show-stopper with heartbreaking lyrics. Katie looked incredible – she is a truly beautiful woman with an incredible set of pins – but she is the least Sally Bowles person EVER and came across as a sixth former limbering up before lacrosse practice.
Finally, Helen and Aljaz performed the Paso Doble to ‘At The End Of The Day’ from Les Miserables; another desperately sad song with the central message of “well, another day closer to death I suppose”, an odd choice for a dance all about passion and strength. Helen lost her balance a few times and the whole thing was a bit too busy and hurried and she won’t win anyway. When Claudia ran through the telephone voting proceedings, Aljaz did the phone hand, an action punishable by death when I rise to power.
Next week, the semis! Which means the final is the same night as my daughter’s 21st birthday party, so I shall miss it. Greater love hath no woman, etc.