Strictly Come Dancing – episode one


Let’s start by setting out the rules for Strictly Bingo.  Knock back one measure of your chosen drink whenever:

  • A celebrity starts quacking about having sore muscles in places they didn’t know they had muscles (or variations thereon)
  • Len whangs on about it being more difficult for the male celebs
  • Craig pronounces some poor sod’s performance to be a “diss – arse – terr”
  • Absolutely anybody mentions it being Len’s last series
  • The song is a laboured explanation of why the celeb is famous (the excruciating combination of “Keep On Running” playing as Iwan Thomas performed a routine that involved him pretending to run remains the stand-out definition of the genre)
  • Len whangs on about it being more difficult for the tall male celebs
  • Len whangs on about it being more difficult for tall, ex-sports male celebs
  • Tess walks onto the floor like a rugby player suffering a particularly aggressive case of thrush

Proceedings began with Tess clumping downstairs wearing a shapeless white bandage, whilst Claudia appeared to be wearing two dresses, both of which were bizarre.  Darcy looked sensational.  Yay!  Nothing has changed.

First up was Laura Whitmore (the showbiz interviewer who caught the eye of Leonardo DiCaprio, appaz) and sweating Italian 2015 champion, Giovanni.  They danced the Cha Cha to ‘Venus’ by Bananarama and were boringly good.  Props to Laura for dancing first though, which must have been horrible.   “Wot a luvverly way to start fe show,” burbled Len.  “First art, first clars!”  None of the other judges approved of her bent knees.

Pasha (my fave pro dancer, ever since he partnered the sweet and talented Chelsee Healey) danced the waltz with Naga Munchetty.  There was a lot of love in the room for Naga, who looked absolutely terrified but clearly has a lot of potential.  “You have a great neck,” oozed Darcey, weirdly.   Naga and her neck trotted off, relieved.

Ooh, (Judge) Robert Rinder.  Partner Oksana looked beautifully fierce.  Judge/Robert was dressed as a judge, banged a sparkly gavel and danced to “Mercy”.  Because he’s a judge, GEDDIT?  Jeez.  And, er, DRINK. Actually I think he’s a criminal law barrister, but let’s not get bogged down in piffling details.  Anyway, he was absolutely terrific, got his chest out, had hips that moved like well-oiled castors and Craig hated him.   Judge/Robert looked like he wanted to sentence Craig to 20 years hard, but managed a fixed smile nonetheless.

Dancing the waltz were Lesley and Anton, to the tune of “What’ll I do?”,  the theme to Birds of A Feather, just in case you weren’t sure why she is famous.  DRINK.   She looked fabulous and danced with genuine elegance, although her shoulders were so hunched she could have worn them as ear muffs.  Darcey warned her not to get “lost in Anton’s chest.”  Is Darcey on drugs?  We should be told.  When would Ed Balls (Ed Balls) be on? Where was Will Young? Let’s face it, that’s why we’re all watching.  Twitter informed me they wouldn’t be dancing until Saturday night. Pah.

It was the turn of Ore Oduba (no idea, sorry) who was dressed in a particularly hideous shirt, bow tie and chinos combo in order to dance the tango.  It was odd, but also clear Ore can dance although the choreography sucked.   He’s one to watch.

Finally, Olympic gold medal winner Greg Rutherford danced the jive to “Get Ready” by The Temptations.  Put your drinks down, Strictly fans, this was a missed opportunity.  What happened to “Jump” by either Van Halen or The Pointer Sisters, Beeb?  Greg was a tad flat-footed, but clearly loved every second of it.  “It woz full on for a bloke oo larks abaht in a sand pit!” yelped Len.  “The jive is hard for a big man,” sympathised Darcey.   If you say so, love.

Tomorrow night, Ed Balls (Ed Balls) and Will Young. CAN’T WAIT.


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