The opening dance was so lovely this week I (almost) cried: children and old people, waltzing to “What the world needs now is love, sweet love.” Ain’t that the truth. Donald Trump, I’m looking at you. The pro couples joined the dance floor, then the judges were waltzing too, there was a choir, everyone looked absolutely delightful and it was all too nice for words.
Fortunately, normal service was resumed as your writer noted that Tess’s stylist still hates her, and now hates Claudia too, having dressed them both in bath towels, and that Louise Redknapp must have pissed off someone the costume department and they had repaid her by making her look like Shirley Temple in a supermarket overall. The girl can dance though, her jive was terrific.
Next up was Melvin (no idea) and Janette dancing to that ghastly 11pm wedding reception disco favourite, “Going Loco Down In Acapulco”. Melvin’s VT contained all of his family. Too early, Melv. You’ve got to go on a journey and whip out the relatives around Week Nine.
Daisy Lowe performed the waltz. She was rather good, in a mildly irritating fashion. Despite it being Week One, Len completely lost his head and gave her nine out of ten. It’s his last series and he obviously doesn’t care anymore. By the time we hit Week Eight he’ll be holding up three paddles, shouting “FROM LEN, ELEVENTY TEN!” and Tess will be calling for the nurse to up his medication. Then it was some chap from Hollyoaks – who knew that was still going, surely nobody watches it? – called Danny Mac, which sounds like a bar of salted caramel. He danced the Cha Cha with his partner Oti to ‘Cake By the Ocean’ by DNCE. It was fine, but I was after stronger stuff. WHERE WAS ED BALLS?
Then it was an actress called Tameke from East Enders – don’t watch it, no idea – who clomped her way through the Paso with Gorka to ‘Y Viva Espana’ by Manolo Escobar. Meh. Where was Will Young?
Oh, Anastacia. She made tons of mistakes but styled it out pretty efficiently and was rather likeable, which makes up some of the ground lost by being paired with the permanently chippy Brendan.
FINALLY! It was Ed Balls, looking terrified. Those of us worried that he would dance like a partly mashed week-old potato were relieved to see that he could waltz reasonably proficiently, and although he went horribly wrong halfway through he kept going and got himself back on track. “There were glimmers of an elegant gentleman,” said Darcey, kindly. “I was pleasantly surprised,” added Len. Ed looked relieved, although his marks were pretty rubbish (5,5,6,5, since you ask).
Claudia Fragapane (gymnast, appaz) and her partner AJ, who looked to be waiting to celebrate his 11th birthday, danced the Cha Cha to ‘That’s What Makes You Beautiful’ by One Direction. Obviously, they threw in a load of back flips because gymnastics, which backfired because it ruined the rhythm of the dance, as Bruno pointed out.
Hurrah, Will Young! Will is the only person I have ever voted for in a reality competition, when everyone I knew, and Simon Cowell, was sure that Gareth Gates would win Pop Idol. I felt so indignant about this assumption I called up and cast my vote. I’m practically a suffragette. Will performed the tango to Bowie’s “Let’s Dance”, wearing very strange Michael Jackson-esque trousers, and sweating like an ice lolly in the sun (apparently he smokes like a trouper) but he was bloody marvellous. Craig agreed with me, as indeed he should.
So that’s it for the first week. God I’m glad it’s back. It’s The Apprentice on Thursday too, so it’s practically Christmas. No YOU shut up.