Celebrity Big Brother – the final


After what seems like a thousand years, Celebrity Big Brother finally came to a close. Against the odds, Katie Price won.  Katie Hopkins pretended not to mind, and mentally re-wrote the headline of her Sun column, as “How I came second” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as “I won but I still hate all of you.”

First to be evicted was Michelle Visage, and my guess is she came fifth because she was friends with Hopkins.  In her post-eviction interview, Michelle spoke like an advertising executive pitching at 4.30pm on a Friday to a disinterested client.  “I was up against four big brands and I am honoured to be considered in their company.”  Hey, Cheggers is a brand, people!  I liked Michelle and hope British TV offers her some suitable opportunities for work.  She’d certainly shake up Downton Abbey, not to mention Emmerdale.

Next to get the boot was Keith Chegwin.  The only one in the final able to boast a passing acquaintance with normality, Cheggers was nonetheless quite the troubled individual.  Obsessed in equal measure with cleaning the house and telling jokes so limp an Asda Christmas cracker would be ashamed of them, he was unable to take even the mildest slight to his character without retiring to the Diary Room to blub.  Indeed he almost did a Les Dennis but at the last minute managed to hold it together. The crowds gave him a huge ovation.  Why didn’t you vote for him then, eh?

Professional moose knuckle and serial under-achiever Calum Best was third.  He looked furious, as well he might, given that last year Jim Davidson won the whole thing, and Calum is at least a nicer person than the so-called comedian.  Calum declared he hoped that by going into the Celebrity Big Brother house, he had changed people’s perceptions of him.  Yes Cal.  What we thought of you when you were on reality TV show Love Island is completely different from what we thought of you when you were on reality TV show Celebrity Big Brother.   In fairness, Calum seemed like an okay guy, which is more than can be said for Perez Hilton who, for a mercy, was unable to hog the cameras, sat as he was in the we’ve-forgotten-you-already seats.

Katie Hopkins was runner-up. A pantomime horse cleverly disguised to look like a human being, she emerged from the house not quite as triumphantly as she’d clearly imagined she would. Still, runner up isn’t bad going for a universally loathed individual.  How did she do it? Everyone you know can’t stand her, yet somehow gazillions of people voted for her. This is why Britain should never have a referendum on anything.  Emma Willis, looking absolutely glorious in a lavish cream confection of a dress, took her on telling her she was “ballsy, opinionated and sometimes rude.” “Yes,” smirked Hopkins. “I was.”

Katie Price emerged victorious, her huge hair-do paying twin homage to the power of Elnett and Joan Collins (Dynasty era) as she pretended that she never expected to to be the winner. Something of a sea change from her second time on I’m A Celebrity, when the public voted for her to do every trial until she finally gave up and quit.  “Never underestimate The Pricey” is her motto. The bookies did, the fools.






Celebrity Big Cry-Baby


Image courtesy of Channel 5


This year’s houseful of washed-up celebrities is starting to look a bit thin, Katie Price’s £500,000 surprise* appearance notwithstanding, as yet another one departed, admittedly this time of his own volition.

Alexander O’Neal walked three hours after being admonished by Big Brother for using a derogatory term to describe Perez Hilton.  Some might suggest there are thousands more appropriate derogatory terms available to describe Perez Hilton, but that kind of talk is for another columnist.  Katie Hopkins, for example.

Yet Ms Hopkins has been out-nastied at every turn; the best she can come up with is being mean to Alicia Duvall on the basis that she reckons the plastic surgery fan is stupid.  Even Keith Chegwin climbed onto the Alicia-Is-A-Thicko bandwagon, saying that when he tells a joke he has to count to 20 as it takes that long for Alicia to get the punch line.  Given that Cheggers jokes are (1) not funny, (2) still not funny and (3) nope, not even a hefty dose of laughing gas is going to work, Alicia’s behaviour is not that of the slow-witted.  Rather, she is not in the business of pretending she gets the joke when no joke has been made.  No matter how many times you shriek “Wha-HAY!”

Alicia also hid two bananas under her bed, a crime apparently punishable by death if some of the louder voices in the household had their way. Only Kavana appears to be even vaguely connected with the normal, and that’s probably down to the fact that he’s not a celebrity.

This is a household where everybody shouts at and over everybody else, and when that isn’t happening there is nothing other than an endless stream of bitching, arguing, back-biting and sly, cruel remarks.  The Daily Mail has taken to referring to Perez Hilton as “The Most Hated Man In Britain”, a patently ludicrous moniker and one that nobody is using other than the Daily Mail itself. Hilton is finding little support this side of the Atlantic though:




With the exception of the increasingly deranged Hilton, most of the people in the house are pretty normal, and I never thought I’d say that about Calum Best.  But if the programme can’t keep hold of its guests long enough to evict them, then the public doesn’t get its say and that’s not the premise of Big Brother.

As for the Channel 5 execs, before they congratulate themselves on all the publicity they’ve garnered, they should remember this: they could have saved themselves close on a million quid by not bothering with either Katie Price or Hopkins.

*Absolutely nobody was surprised


Celebrity Big Brother – say what, Ken?


Copyright Daily Mail

Photograph courtesy of Channel 5

Although Celebrity Big Brother is supposed to be all about the combative gob that is Katie Hopkins, it turns out she is but a mewling infant next to the giants of misogynistic and/or racist behaviour as displayed in various guises by two of her housemates. Jeremy Jackson was unceremoniously booted out of the house for groping Chloe Goodman. Now one-time Corrie regular Ken Morley has been ejected for his “unacceptable and offensive language”. Goodbye, Ken. It is doubtful that anyone other than your agent will mourn your departure.

Channel 5 kept its announcement short and for Ken at least, not particularly sweet.

Under normal circumstances I would see no reason to give ocean-going twerps like Ken any airtime, but his remarks to Alexander O’Neal deserve to be more widely known, if only to demonstrate how casual racism is alive and kicking, albeit hiding under the invisibility cloak of “political correctness gone mad.”

Ken thought it would be hilarious to share with Alexander a “joke”, which he told in a feeble attempt at a Southern US accent, using the words “a nice big fat Negro.” Alexander patiently explained to him that “When you get in the company of another black man, don’t say Negro.’

But such niceties are of no interest to Ken, who retorted that he found the description “black” to be just as offensive and patronisingly went on to say that “negro is Spanish for black.” Quick as a flash Alexander shot back: ‘But you’re not Spanish.’

Unabashed, Ken went on to use up the old but nonetheless offensive term “pickaninny”, (seriously, when was Ken Morley born? 1805?) to which Alexander, who is to be applauded for not rapping Ken smartly on the nose, instead contented himself with replying: ‘That’ll get your a** kicked.’

How can Ken Morley not know this? My guess is he does, and doesn’t care. Now he’s gone, and whatever career aspirations he may have had they have turned to ashes in his “what’s wrong with that?” mouth.

Channel 5 must be thrilled – and about to ask Katie Hopkins to return her fee.

Celebrity Big Brother – launch night


There was a vague attempt at a fairy tale theme to this year’s Celebrity Big Brother, with the role of the wicked witch being played by (who else?) Katie Hopkins.  She generously shared with us her view on the world. “I don’t like fat people. I don’t like ginger people.”  Ginger people?  What, like gingerbread people? Or people with ginger hair? Alas, Katie was too busy spouting her particular brand of minor public school, fourth form-ish bile, to elaborate further.

Hopkins was given a secret task, blah blah, something about choosing two celebrities she found least entertaining and they would be up for eviction first, something something, talking mirror.  Anyway, next up was Patsy Kensit, whose face is so shiny and tight should she go out in the sun she’ll have to prick it with a fork.  “I fart a lot,” she revealed.  Pats might win though, wind problems notwithstanding.  She’s nice.

Next up, Perez Hilton, who was keen to let us know that he’s had a lot of feuds with celebrities.  “I’m fun, fabulous and fearless!” he yelled. Yeah, we’ll be the judge of that, thanks.  He was followed by Ken Morley (Reg Holdsworth from Corrie) who was boring.  Soz Ken.  Ken was followed by a woman who said her name was Cami Li and that she was “kinda a big deal”.  Not with me love. Never heard of you.

Calum Best, now running out of reality TV shows on which to, er, “star”, told us that he had never been in love, and has always lived alone.  I remember you on Celebrity Love Island, Calum.  And that when you were on it, they dropped the word Celebrity. Alicia Douvall told us she had undergone over 300 cosmetic procedures, information which was entirely unnecessary, the visual evidence being overwhelming.  Alicia seemed quite sweet and anyone who loves playing Scrabble is okay by me.

What Alexander O’Neal is doing in the CBB house is beyond me. Maybe he has a huge tax bill to pay.  Alexander confessed: “Aah doan like people wit GAZ.”  One hoped he wouldn’t choose a bed next to Patsy’s.   Perhaps he could kip next to Nadia Sawalha, who confided that the only reason she was doing Celebrity Big Brother was that she wanted an extension built onto her kitchen. Props to Nadia.

Jeremy Jackson introduced himself. Nope, me neither. Kavana introduced himself. A pop sensation in the 90s, apparently. Nope again. Then it was Michelle Visage, who looked as though she might be fun as long as you stayed on her right side.  A woman called Chloe Goodman appeared.  Nope once more.  Finally, Keith Chegwin, fully clothed, for a mercy. He said “Wha-HAYYYY!” twice in his first sentence. I hope he pals up with Michelle and Patz.  They’d make a fun gang.

The final twist, if twist it is, was that Hopkins had to be nice to everyone or risk suffering her worst nightmare. We weren’t told what that was, but I should imagine it’s being ignored. Oh, the two slebs up for eviction are Chloe and Alexander.

With one or two notable exceptions, reality television competitions are always won by the decent person. Decent is an under-used adjective these days, but it is appropriate here I think. Taken to mean of a good standard or quality, honest and fair, this is the kind of person that usually wins. But for someone like rent-an-opinion Hopkins, winning isn’t the point. She’ll get her fee and the oxygen of publicity, something to which she is clearly addicted. For people like Patsy Kensit it’s a chance to breathe life into a career now in the doldrums. For a nobody like Kavana, it’s a few quid and an alternative to sitting on his sofa in his pants eating cereal out of the packet whilst waiting for the next episode of Diagnosis Murder.

The crux of shows like this is that you can’t hide your true personality. Hopkins’ secret task was to sit behind a two-way mirror and bitch about the other contestants. Obviously live shows can’t be rehearsed, but she was shown to be nervous, flustered, hesitant and supremely unfunny. Her much-vaunted razor-sharp opinions were as blunt as a piece of week-old cheese.

I hope Alexander gets to sing before he’s booted out.