I’m A Celebrity – episode 8


For a variety of reasons, including going to Ireland to spend time with my lovely family, I missed the first week of I’m a Celeb.  Apparently Spencer Matthews was on it, then off it, Lady Colin “I have five tiaras” Campbell is playing a blinder as the Dowager Countess of Green Ants, and there’s every possibility Duncan Bannatyne will be fatally bitten by an Eastern Brown Snake (venom ranked as the second most toxic of any land snake in the world, according to Wikipedia).  Man, it’s good to be back.

So, Lady C was in the firing line for the latest Bushtucker Trial, entitled Helmets of Hell.  Required to stick her head in a Perspex box, she was joined by various bucket-loads of jungle critters.  Angry green ants explored the inside of her nostrils.  Scorpions and spiders attempted to break into her tightly pursed mouth. Lady C remained unmoved. The woman is 66 years old, for crying out loud. Is she Supergirl’s grandmother?

Next up, a box of pythons. “I was brought up to avoid pythons,” she said, peering at the writhing inhabitants. “Oh well.  Let’s give it a go.”   Meanwhile, on Twitter #LadyC was trending, as indeed it should.  Ant and Dec expressed awe at her zen-like countenance.   “I’ve faced many challenges in my life,” she informed Ant and Dec, imperiously.  “THIS,” she gestured dismissively at the jungle, “is not a challenge.” Lady C for Prime Minister, people.

Triumphant, she trotted back into camp, pausing only acknowledge her fellow celebs by waving delicately  in the manner of the late Queen Mother when sat in a chauffeur-driven Bentley.  After taking what only seemed like 15 years to recount her ordeal (obviously nobody dare interrupt her) they learned she had won nine stars.

The camp then had to divide into four groups of three people, and then compete in a challenge to win various prizes, the top prize being a stay at the “jungle hotel” (beds, wine, etc.)

Looking like an ancient tortoise accidently left on a dining room chair, Duncan Bannatyne presided over the picking of teams. Brian (failed X Factor judge) teamed up with a girl called Jorgie (no idea) and some child called George (ditto). Tony (Spandau) Suzannah (no Trinny) teamed up with Yvette (no ghosts)  Lady C declared she had no interest in the competition whatsoever and would like to team up with two others who felt the same and just wanted a nice rest. I forget the other teams.  First up was the Tortoise and two girls, Ferne (no idea) Vicky (Geordie Shore, apparently) and managed to grope both of them at least twice during proceedings.  Vicky called him “a bit of a sort” which is a Tyneside-speak for “lecherous old goat.”

Coincidentally, it was goat for dinner and Lady C and Brian clashed over how to cook it.  Words were exchanged. Lady C stalked off. “I’m far too old to be bothered with the stupid, pointless, ego-grabbing games of these puerile people,” she announced, giving voice to the exact thoughts of the majority of viewers.

Next trial is to be “Floods of Fear” and Ferne was chosen to take it on.  “It’ll involve water,” declared Susannah, wisely. “Possibly swimming.”  You really can’t make this stuff up, can you?




I’m A Celebrity – the final



Let’s get this straight. The real winners of I’m A Celebrity are Ant and Dec.  Without them, the programme would be nothing more than a bunch of people squabbling about how to cook rice and chewing a kangaroo’s bellend.  (And props to them for mentioning NUFC‘s spectacular win over Chelsea yesterday.) The other thing to get straight is that it is always, ALWAYS, a truly nice person who is voted the winner.

Nice is considered a bit of a weak adjective.  But as far as I’m A Celebrity is concerned, it’s appropriate, because there has never, ever, been a winner with edge. The closest we came was when Janice “Oh Maaaaan” Dickinson finished second to overall winner Christopher Biggins. See? Nice wins.

This year the final three were Fogs, Jake and Mel.  All were fierce. All were fit, capable, nerveless and going to win any trial thrown at them, no question, removing the “will they/won’t they” element of each trial. Knowing this, Dec tried to spark up a conversation with Jake as he stood with his head in a tank filled with a variety of revolting creepy crawlies. “How’s it going, Jake?” “Mmmmn, hhmnn, mhhnm, mmnhhhhmnn,” responded Jake, his mouth firmly shut as a burrowing cockroach tried to set up home in his top lip.

Foggy got the dreaded eating-a-creature’s-doodahs trial.  Ostrich anus. Camel penis. “It’s just fatty gristle,” Foggy informed us, pulling a few stray strands of shredded genitalia from between his teeth.  Let us pretend we didn’t see any of it, shall we?

Mel’s task involved finding stars in two water tanks.  Mel is scared of water and looked properly rattled.  The water poured in, with a load of crabs, eels and, er, other aqua-type creatures bobbing about in the tank with her.  Mel’s hands were shaking but her success was never in any doubt; the woman is an Amazon and ITV should resurrect the original Gladiators with her presenting it, pronto.  Knowing how scared of water she is, Jake and Foggy were thrilled for her.  Again – thoroughly nice people.

So Mel came third, and rather refreshingly admitted she’d like to have won. As a Northerner (a Geordie, actually, and Geordies are the best people in the whole world so there, bite me) it was cheering to see all three finalists to be people from the North.  Gosh, I’m coming over all Game of Thrones here #winteriscoming but whevs. We’ve got GRIT, people. Nobody ask me to chow down on a camel’s bits to prove it though. Just out of interest, anyone remember the prize wuss that was John Fashanu, who was scared stiff of crossing the rope bridges?  Pfft.

In the final moments before the winner was announced, Jake was adorable.  “I didn’t have an ego going into the competition, because I’m nobody.”  I hope he stays as grounded as he is now, because I think he may be offered quite a lot of telly work after this.  “He’s a really good guy, with a great heart,” said Kendra.  There was a lot of praise for Foggy too.  “He’s just a real man,” said Michael Buerk.

Foggy won. He was beside himself with joy. Did winning four World Superbike Championships mean nothing to him? Nope. This was the pinnacle of his achievements.  Well done, Fogs. And well done Jake. And Mel. It’s all been bloody wonderful. See? Nice people win. Think about that, people.















I’m A Celebrity – Day 21


And then there were four. Foggy (bikes, stoicism), Edwina (brillo pad hair, eggs),  Mel (cheekbones, snippy about cooking) and Jake (sweet, retired sex pest); any one of them could win I’m A Celebrity.  I say that because I’m crap at predictions.  Otherwise I’d say Jake.  But I’m not. So there.

It was the trial that everyone loves – the water slide/foam/stars/costumes thing.  You know the one I mean. Celebrity Cyclone. The excitement in camp was palpable, but it took Jake’s particular brand of eloquence to explain exactly how they all felt.  “I’m buzzing me tits off.”

It looked enormous fun. Giant balls bounced off Mel’s head. Jake slid half-way up the, er, slide through sheer force of will.  Edwina landed solidly on her star and didn’t budge, lying motionless like flattened lycra-clad road kill.  The water teamed down. The foursome were incredibly fast (fastest ever, according to Ant) and if I ever win Euromillions I’m building one of those things in the grounds of my mansion.

We were then treated to a summary of each of the remaining contestants’ “journey” in the jungle. Eds admitted how much she’d enjoyed leering at Jake. Mel confessed she struggled with the lack of food and people not cooking to her instructions. Jake said he’d loved flirting.  Fogs mourned the loss of the ghastly Jimmy “Bantz” Bullard, but said that he’d made nine new friends. “When I came in here, I thought you’d all be a bunch of arseholes.”  One of them still is, Fogs.  I’m looking at you, Jimmy.

In the 2014 Jungle Awards, Michael won Hardest Working Campmate. Mel was unimpressed “I did logs and water every day!” she protested.  Jake conquered the Most Vain Campmate category, and disagreed vociferously. Mel won Best Chef, probably because nobody dared argue with her.  Jimmy and Edwina won Most Annoying Campmate, which came as a surprise to nobody, least of all Edwina.

Edwina was voted out, and pretended she was pleased.  Carl started hyperventilating at the thrill of being one of the final three.  Jake looked thunderstruck.  HE MIGHT WIN IT, PEOPLE. Don’t quote me.










I’m A Celebrity – Day 20


Mel was determined to do a trial. Moreover, she was determined to do it with Kendra. Kendra wasn’t bothered but equally didn’t want to be left out, so agreed “yeah, I’m up for it,” and schlumped after Mel with a face that plainly said “whevs mate. I really, really don’t care.”

Critter Conveyor.  It involved a conveyor belt. And critters.  Essentially it was a kind of Generation Game er, game, but without Bruce Forsyth, which is no bad thing in anyone’s book.  Kendra, in an effort to stop various crawly things penetrating her ears, tied her bandana like a headscarf, and instantly bore an uncanny resemblance to the Queen Mother pottering around the gardens at Windsor Castle. Meanwhile, during the break, Iceland Foods advertised its Prawn Twisters, which looked exactly the same as the meal worms raining down on Kendra’s resentful head.  Mel sat in a perspex tank full of snakes. She ignored them and both girls won all the stars. Go, girls.

The Dingo Dollar Challenge was conducted by Eds and Jake. The instructions were pinned to a tree. “Do you want me to read it?” enquired Jake. “You haven’t brought your glasses.”  Any vestigial trace of Edwina’s sexual attraction vanished into the ether.  They won the challenge, dressed as a spider and a Venus Fly Trap, but their camp mates guessed wrongly when asked: “What percentage of Brits believe it is possible to maintain happy marriage without sex?” The camp went for 36 per cent.  The correct answer was 61 per cent.  In other words, Britain isn’t getting any, and is quite happy about it, thank you.

They got the chance to play a game. Mel was unimpressed.  “It’ll be another damp squid.”  FOR GOD’S SAKE IT’S SQUIB. WHY DO PEOPLE NOT KNOW THIS?  I like Mel, but if she keeps this up she’ll be on my List, the one that itemises people who say “pacifically” when they mean specifically, “supposebly” when they mean supposedly, horrors such as “Chrimbo”, “Londinium” and”hollibobs” and anyone who has added the word “methinks” to their Facebook status update.  You have been warned.

There were phone calls home. Tinchy got to speak to his girlfriend. He was as moved, warm and emotional as a man ordering a pizza from Dominos.  Kendra’s husband was unfamiliar with adverbs. “You’ve done amazing.”  Mel spoke to her Mum. Mel cried and rather surprisingly asked for validation. “Are you proud of me?” It was touching to see that underneath the Amazonian exterior is a woman just wanting her family to be proud of her.  Jake sprinted from one end of the camp to another so he could speak with his mother, with somewhat disappointing results.  “How are you?” “I’m fine. How are you?” As dialogues go, it lacked a certain something. In fairness, he told his mother he loved her, which is all a mother wants to hear. Well that and “Yes, I HAVE tidied my room”.

They played a game of truth and lies. Kendra revealed she’d had her tits done. Edwina confessed she’d worked for an accountancy firm. Jake once slipped on a banana skin. For crying out loud people, we’re paying for this.  Has nobody in there done anything even remotely outré? Throw us a bone for God’s sake.

Tinchy and Kendra were voted out.  Tinchy, big wow. Boring as f*ck. Kendra, I’m sad to see go.  She made good telly. Mel, Fogs, Jake and Eds are the final four.  Who will win?








I’m A Celebrity – Day 19


I never imagined I’d say this about my favourite reality TV programme, but Tinchy doing a trial was one of the most boring things on television, ever.  And I’ve watched Eldorado. To think you lot voted out Michael Buerk and kept this ocean-going snorefest on my telly instead. You should all have a word with yourselves.

Edwina was feeling bored and horny and so flirted heavily with Jake.  Foggy looked on, appalled, the expression on his face not dissimilar the one he pulled when gagging on a pint of deer’s blood a couple of days earlier.  But Jake was incredibly sweet with Eds and flirted back, gently.

Much better was the Dingo Dollars trial with Jake and Fogs, dressed as bumble bees, getting covered in slime and receiving electric shocks whilst having to solve riddles.  The only element they struggled with was the spelling.  “Good thing was, I kept my dignity,” said Jake, his tongue lodged firmly in his cheek.  I’d say he could win this thing but given the fact that I said the same thing about Michael Buerk and he was voted out 24 hours later, I’m keeping schtum.

The lads chose Kendra and Vicki’s letters from their families back home over choc ices for the whole camp. Sob. Kendra then shared memories of her days as a stripper.  “When I was 18 I got my stripping licence.” You have to have a licence? “There was cash EVERYWHERE.  I made about $500,000 in six months.”  On hearing about this stupendous sum, Edwina looked thoughtful.

There was the usual bickering about cooking, easy to forgive because they’re all so hungry and running low on energy, no-one more so than Mel.  Mel looks gaunt. I hope she has a couple of Greggs’ Festive Bakes on getting out of the jungle.  I wish I hadn’t written that.  I want one now.

Anyway, putting aside the inexplicably delicious baked good that is Christmas-Dinner-Wrapped-In-Pastry, Vicki was voted out. she did well in her jungle sojourn, and I hope she gets more out of it than a panto in Woking next Christmas.








I’m A Celebrity – Day 18


Nadia has gone.  This means Jake need only press his attentions on two, rather than three, camp mates. Kendra (OHMIGAD) and Mel (EYUP) in other words.  Mel asked him not to flirt with her as she gets embarrassed. Kendra took it as her right.  In Kendra-Land, EVERYONE, hell, EVERYTHING, fancies Kendra.  Animal, vegetable, mineral. They all lust after Kendra.

Fogs was determined to do the trial, entitled Balderdash.  Stars, water, wires, critters, boulders (Boulder-dash, geddit?) being fired at him, etc. It required speed and strength and Foggy was superb. Obviously, he got all the stars.  “Mate, that was hard,” he admitted.  “It was the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done,” he added. This from a man who has won the World Superbike Championship. Four times.

Michael, now looking so thin that even Ant remarked “I’ve seen more meat on a butcher’s apron” was put in charge of the camp.  I think. I missed a bit due to watching The Apprentice.  The camp mates had to make Christmas paper chains.  Michael and Mel, as managers, were given shirts and ties to wear and sat themselves comfily on the sofa, the better to watch those on the factory floor toil.  ‘Twas ever thus. I’m not going to lie; it was a bit boring.  They bickered. They stuck bits of paper together. Yawn.

The Treasure Chest question was what percentage of Brits have had sex in the workplace.  Edwina, being an expert on the subject, insisted she was right by choosing 22 per cent.  Kendra nailed Edwina in a sentence.  “I feel Edwina isn’t open to debate.” Edwina however was right. Damn it.

There was a lot of shizz about doing work in the camp, with Michael all for firing Kendra, “I find her insubordinate” and full of praise for Tinchy, “Tinch has done loads of washing.”  I don’t want to suggest Michael is biased, but Michael is biased. Tinchy won the accolade of Best Employee. See?

Dinner was a wallaby’s arse. The camp mates were delighted. Meat! “Whoo hoo!” shrieked Kendra.  Mel wasn’t happy that nobody wanted to take her culinary advice, and sulked.  Jake tried to smooth things over.  When Jake isn’t being a sex pest, he’s a really lovely bloke.  Dial down the letching and you’re in with a chance of winning, mate.

There was an employee review, followed by an office Christmas party.  Fairy lights. Booze. Cashew nuts. Terrible singing. We’ve all been there. Well, not ME. I’m a model of sobriety on such occasions, as my work colleagues will attest. Ahem.

Anyway, moving on, Michael was voted out.  Having tipped him to win only this morning on StrayFM, this proves I know absolutely nothing. Soz.









I’m A Celebrity – Day 17


And so Jimmy “Bantz” Bullard said his farewells to the camp yesterday.  “One or two of them were in tears,” said an incredulous Michael Buerk.  “I mean, he’s not dead.  He’s still here. They’ll see him in a few days.”  That’s probably why they were crying, Michael.

Michael and Vicki nominated themselves for a trial, acutely aware that if they didn’t get a bit camera time they’d have to spend at least a week stuck in a hotel with Jimmy.   The sight of two pensioners strapped to a slowly revolving wheel, stoically being dunked into a tank full of jungle critters, gladdened the heart. Vicki grabbed sponge balls from the tank as kilo of meal worms sat happily in her hair. Michael threw the sponge balls into a basket while cockroaches got cosily on first name terms with his beard. All that was missing was an orchestra playing “Land of Hope and Glory.”

Back in camp Foggy, who clearly sees himself as the alpha male now Jimmy is no longer humping his leg like a sex-starved poodle, made ominous noises about how if they didn’t bring home sufficient stars, there would be “discussions”.  Pah. Oldies rule, Fogs. Live with it.

Jake and Kendra did the Treasure Chest task.  They had to plunge into a foul-smelling pool while solving a riddle involving clocks and maths.  “We are the worst two people to do this,” said Jake, glumly. Kendra made a few half-hearted innuendos. Jake briefly resurrected his sex pest persona in response.  They solved the riddle. “Maaan, that felt goooo-udddd,” confirmed Kendra. Alas, it was all for nothing.  Kendra changed her mind.”This SUCKS.”  It was hard to disagree.

It was time to win letters from home.  Memory task blah blah.  Win a letter from home for your camp mate etc. Michael flunked it.  So did Mel and Kendra.  The letters were read out. “Proud of you…. you’re doing amazingly well…. love you….miss you… ” Michael’s grandchildren wrote to him to tell him they thought he was a dope. “This has not come as a revelation,” confessed Michael.  Jake’s brother revealed Jake would be an uncle.  Foggy’s dog sent its love.

There was a row about cooking and portions. Plus ça change.  Nadia was voted out, probably because she’s relatively unknown and did nothing of interest.  I can see Edwina getting to the final.  Possibly with Mel and Michael.  Or Foggy. What would I know?





I’m A Celebrity – Day 16



The Wallabies, sorry, Wombats, won immunity from the public vote. On receiving this less than welcome news, Jimmy’s Greying Bun of Despair drooped alarmingly. He squirmed, embarrassed. “Deep dahn, ah trarred,” he protested.  Suddenly remembering other people were in the jungle with him and the show was I’m A Celebrity, not Bullard’s Bantz, he muttered: “Sa did fe ovvehs.” Cheers, Jim-Bob.

The Bushtucker trial, which all the Wombats had to endure, was called “Vile Vineyard”.  The four looked hopeful that it would involve nothing more than having to neck four pints of Lambrini each, but alas it was not to be.  Based loosely on Spin The Bottle, they had to drink such delicacies as puréed camel testicles.  Blended sheeps’ eyes. Blended cockroach, cricket and meal worms. The Wombats were awesome and necked the lot, possibly because they were so hungry they’d started contemplating eating each other and this was a more acceptable alternative.  Titchy Tinchy had to drink puréed pig’s anus. “Up yer bum,” encouraged Mel, with a serendipitous choice of toasts.

Bantz swaggered back into camp as though he’d conducted the entire trial himself and was personally responsible for all 10 stars. Jimmy, you’re an arse. Only banter, mate.

Edwina, who I am reluctantly coming to if not exactly like, then tolerate, lay on the camp sofa and talked to herself. “Breeze. Birds. Trees. My body says, have a rest.”  Yes Eds.  You have a rest and talk to yourself.  Introspection took over.  She was positively Delphic. “I must smile more. My grim disapproval is too bloody obvious.”  Indeed. Plato said much the same thing. Eddy then revealed the not entirely surprising fact that she isn’t keen on Kendra. “I find that young woman so bloody irritating. Out of the jungle, I wouldn’t give her the time of day.”  Eds will emerge from camp with a new career in TV, take my word for it.  Her arse will be so comfortably ensconced on the This Morning sofa that not even rent-a-right-wing-gob Katie Hopkins will be able to dislodge it.

Michael and Vicki did the Treasure Chest quest, which required Michael to dress as Big Bird and wobble on a high wire, his body covered in feathers, knobbly legs encased in yellow lycra. “Wee Woo Waaaah! Hankle Pankle!” he shrieked, as the wires shook alarmingly. Look, you had to see it, okay? Watch it on catch-up.”To be honest, I felt a complete prat,” confessed Michael.  “That’s done a certain amount of reputational damage.”  They won a package of cheese and crackers so small a mouse would have complained about portion size.

Eds decided it was time to share the news with the unwary viewer that she enjoyed sex. “Since I was in my early twenties, I’ve like young men. I wonder if this lot have heard of coo-garrrs.” She chatted easily about her husband’s sex face. Foggy was repelled. “Imagine her and her husband going for it.” I don’t want to, Foggy. I really don’t.

The final night in camp with all 10 slebs was treated as though it was the Last Supper. There was a show. Michael rapped.  His delivery was more News At Ten than street, but no less enjoyable for it.

Jimmy, the man who was originally tipped to win the whole thing, went out. His cruel bantz were his undoing. Take note, kids. Saying mean things and then justifying them as banter fools nobody.













I’m A Celebrity – Day 15


Jimmy was a bit slow to hit his ban-tah stride when he woke up.  Perhaps his ban-tah strength only really gets going when the Greying Bun of Despair is twisted into place, rather like Samson.  Okay, not at all like Samson.

The head-to-head challenge was conducted between Foggy and Jake. “Experience vs. Youth,” said Foggy. Foggy is experienced in jungle trials? The world of super-biking has passed me by so this may well be true.  Both men were shackled inside a tank which filled with water etc etc.  Both men were fast and determined.  Youth triumphed over experience. Foggy was gracious in defeat.  “How you going to feel when you go back into camp and tell the Galahs they’ll all eat tonight?” enquired Ant of Jake. “Well,” Jake replied, “I’m used to being a wombat.”  Aren’t we all?

Jimmy, his scrawny frame horizontal on his jungle bed, suggested he would be furious if Foggy had lost. He took the bad news as well as could be expected. “Anger’s kickin’ in. Proppa strugglen,” he told the Bush Telegraph. Jimmy decided to rev up his team mates with a Braveheart-style rallying cry. “COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN WALLABIES!” he squawked encouragingly.  “We’re wombats,” deadpanned Foggy.

Up came Terror Tombs. Celebs in a tomb, stay in there for 15 minutes, keys, hidden locks, creepy crawlies blah blah. Edwina said she would lie back and think of England. Her husband must be thrilled. The first batch of slebs were entombed. “You alright in there?” asked Jake of Nadia. “I’m buried alive. It’s not f***ing great,” she replied.  Michael, the loon, chose to wear shorts. A rat headed for his ball sack with the speed and accuracy of an Exocet missile.

Kendra wasn’t keen on the whole exercise. “Just get in and lie down,” instructed Jake, words Kendra must, surely, have heard many times before in the Playboy Mansion.

The Galahs won. The Wombats, who have been surviving on 500 calories a day, looked like they had just been told to go into the boudoir with Hugh Hefner.  Jimmy had no ban-tah whatsoever.  I fear for the Greying Bun of Despair.




I’m A Celebrity – Day 14


It’s all got a little tetchy in the jungle.  Nadia shared her disquiet about the two tribes arrangement with Tinchy over a joint teeth-brushing session. “Arrgar bluargh ffwooogh larghagh pwoosh,” she confided.  Tinchy nodded sagely.

Edwina, voted to do the trial, got herself ready for the adventure by performing a few physical jerks whilst lying on her bed, mainly trying to lift her leg over her head. Bad sight of the week, folks.

She had to find 10 stars – yadda, yadda, yadda, you know the drill – in dark rooms filled with jungle critters who were about as pleased to see Edwina’s face looming over them as Norma Major. Cockroaches crawled up her shorts. Meal worms set up camp in her hair.  Crabs nipped her fingers. Offal rained down on her like a biblical plague. Edwina wasn’t bothered. She steam-rollered through the trial like Schwarzenegger with a grudge and won eight stars.

Later in the day Eds and Fogs were up against one another for the two tribes challenge. It involved standing on rotating, er, things whilst maintaining constant pressure on a button. Edwina distracted herself from the overwhelming boredom of it by singing badly. “I sang badly,” she told us.  The endless supply of bugs were scattered liberally over the pair of them. Nothing. A stream of what looked like slurry was tipped over their heads. Edwina continued to warble. Foggy looked rattled. Edwina won. Edwina is formidable.

Jimmy, who started off being annoying, has now ascended to the status of dear-god-someone-get-me-a-gun-please. Under the impression that making foul personal remarks to other people can be excused by the all-encompassing term “ban-tah”, he proceeded clumsily to insult Jake.   Jake pretended he wasn’t upset by Jimmy’s suggestion that he had no talent and shouldn’t be there. “Arr shoodna sed vat,” admitted Jimmy, later. “Jast a bitta ban-tah foe.”

The slebs had to choose one member of each tribe who would represent them in the head to head trial.  Unsurprisingly, it is to be Jake vs. Foggy.  Jimmy’s Greying Bun of Despair drooped with disappointment at not making the cut.  Don’t worry Jimz. It’s only ban-tah.